Someone very recently told me that ladies don’t send nudes.
It’s always interesting to me to hear what a lady does and does not do. Where is the line? Where do I stop being a lady?
Is it when I’m in my underwear? When I have my hand covering my breasts or my vagina? Or both? Is it physically possible to take a selfie with my tongue while I cover myself with my hands? Am I still a lady then?
In research for this entry, (procrastinating) I took a quiz called “How Ladylike Are You?” and then my plans for this entry went out the window and I started making jokes instead.
The first question was “How do you greet new people?” I think we established in my previous entry that I do this in the most awkward way possible, much to my eternal misery, but “in the most awkward way possible, much to your eternal misery” wasn’t an option. Cheek kiss was an option. I hate cheek kisses from people I don’t know. Cheek kiss should never be a damn option. Don’t press your foreign lips against my beautiful face, you absurd stranger.
I chose “smile”, because it was the most nonchalant. I do like to appear nonchalant.
The next question was “How often do you curse?” which is really interesting to me. How many fucks can be in a sentence before I’m no longer a lady? Does my vagina disappear if I say shit too many times?
I chose “sometimes”. Nonchalance.
The next one, “How would you react to burping in front of other people?” was easily the best so far, because one of the options was “blame it on someone else.” How on Earth does one blame a burp on someone else? They’re very physically obvious – it’s not a fart. Blame your farts on whoever you want Judy, but we both know that burp came from you. Stop lying to me Judy.
I chose “laugh and excuse yourself”, but it honestly depends on who I’m with. That’s just good social skills and God knows I’ve got those coming out the wazoo. (what’s a wazoo)
The next one was a visual one involving make up style so I can’t make much of a joke of that. I chose the one with the blackest eyeliner which is the obvious choice for anyone who knows me.
The next one was “When you get really excited you tend to…” Again, where is the line here? Obviously they think being excited is unladylike and I’m starting to think only robots can be ladylike.
I chose “I don’t get excited” which is the obvious choice for anyone who knows me.
“Pick a Sport”. Literally all of them were cardio based. “But Laura, isn’t all sport cardio based?” said Judy, probably. Shut up Judy.
I chose “no sports”.
The next was “Your Life Goal is…”, and predictably, the options revolved around family, travel and career. There was also TWO JOKE OPTIONS. Finally this quiz is starting to get me. One was “Watch every episode of Friends 5 times” and the other was “Be the next Superman.”
That’s just absurd, because Superman is an alien and I’m obviously human. I’m already well on my way to watching every episode of Friends 5 times, so I chose that, because the sooner I achieve my life goal the sooner I can return to my home planet where my lady-ness is never fucking questioned.
Another visual question involving hairstyles. I chose “down”, obviously.
“Girl’s Nights usually consist of…” was the next one and “getting wasted” wasn’t an option, which is bad news for a very large number of my girlfriends. I chose “going out” because it was the closest to “getting wasted” even though it’s extremely vague.
The next was a series of stock photos of attractive men for me to objectify and then select my preference. I obviously obliged, and chose the beard-iest, lumberjack-iest option who was wearing a bow tie. We can psycho-analyse my taste in men later.
That was the last question. Apparently, that was all they needed to know about me to assess my ladylike-ness and the prognosis wasn’t good. I got “You Are Shameless”. I forgot being ladylike meant I have to feel shame about everything I do and say, so I guess I had that coming.
Seriously though, my research for this entry is kind of interesting and I will post a serious, intelligent* response soon. In fact here it is now, coming at you from the future.
*intelligence is in the eye of the beholder
Here’s that quiz because I know you want to take it.
Now, who wants some nudes?