The place where romance comes to die, apparently. For all my talk about how Tinder isn’t really that bad, to be fair, there is a lot of bad things about it. Men aren’t very fussy when it comes to swiping, but women don’t really have that luxury. As we know, the murderers, predators, misogynists and creeps are just a swipe away.
So what does your profile say about you? Here’s a taster of the types of men I encountered when I was on Tinder*…
Are you one of them?
Photos include you with fish you’ve caught and murdered, cars you drive really fast and/or other miscellaneous motorsport vehicles
Since most of my swiping was done in Brisbane, this may be region specific. But you’re probably from North QLD and you probably like XXXX and/or Bundy rum. There’s approximately a 90% chance that you have a Southern Cross tattoo, and you definitely own a tinny, or have a mate you can borrow one off.
(I’ve definitely just alienated and confused my entire non-Australian audience with that paragraph so I’ve included links for brevity)
Verdict: Hard Pass
There’s nothing in the description, just photos of you
You have nothing interesting to say and are hoping your looks alone will be enough to drop my panties. A date with you would be incredibly boring and I’ve already lost interest.
You’ve included lyrics to the latest top 40 song
You lack imagination but I appreciate the effort you’ve gone to, to let me know you’ve got cringey taste in music and we should never be in the same car. Assuming there’s no photos of you with fish I may consider it.
Verdict: Yes, but under caution
You’ve primarily got mirror selfies at the gym
No thanks. I go to the gym too, but then again so do a lot of people. Mix it up a bit.
Verdict: Nope nope nope
Your photos include a token pupper or kitten**
You’ve stolen your mate’s new pet because you know chicks dig animals. It doesn’t really matter at this point what you look like because I’m just staring at the animal like a heart eye emoji. I know what you’re doing but it’s 100% working on me. Good job. You get points for doing market research into your target demographic.
Verdict: Enthusiastic Yes, on the assumption I’ll get to meet the animal on the first or second date
You’ve included instructions for women such as: “if you have any Snapchat puppy selfies, just swipe left”
Even though I don’t have any of these selfies, I resent the idea that I’m not allowed to and I don’t like being told what to do. Allowing this kind of dictatorship to occur so early on in the relationship sets an unacceptable precedent, and you’ve just automatically made me want to swipe left. However, I can’t allow you to go on in life thinking you have any right to tell some poor girl she can’t take a cute selfie with a puppy filter on it. You can just swipe left on the girls with those photos and move on with your life without a word. You don’t have to be a grade A douche about it, and make them feel bad about a really harmless choice they’ve made. I mean it’s not like it’s a photo of them posing with those drugged up tigers in Thailand.
You could look like Ryan Reynolds at this point and I only want to swipe right on you so I can tell you how misogynistic and gross you are.
Verdict: Yes, but just so I can reject you later
You have a photo of you with a drugged up tiger / chained up monkey / malnourished elephant in Thailand
You’re a horrible human being.
Verdict: Very Hard Pass
You only have photos where I can’t see your face or can’t tell which one you are
You’re in some kind of witness protection program where you can’t show your face. I have to seriously question whether you should even be dating anyone right now. I mean a lot of money has gone into keeping you safe so putting photos online is not the most responsible action you could be taking. I don’t need that kind of drama (or idiocy) in my life. I also don’t want to play Russian Roulette with the chance that you’re the one with a douche goatee doing duck face.
Verdict: Pass, but I might feel bad about it for five seconds.
Your profile is just a series of emoji’s
You’re an ancient Egyptian come back to life and attempting to communicate with me through hieroglyphics
Verdict: Pass. I’ve seen The Mummy movies. No thanks.
* I’m sure all of these people were really nice and definitely not going to murder me, but there’s no accounting for taste now, is there?
** this is 100% all of the photos my boyfriend had up on Tinder, except it’s his dog, and I didn’t get to meet him until the third date. This is Oscar the beautiful little man I fell in love with (and that’s my boyfriend).
So tell me, have I missed any obvious repeat offenders on Tinder?
And be sure to stay tuned for the retaliatory guest post from boyfriend…