I was recently going back through my tweets – you should check them out, I’m hilarious – and there are a few from the end of 2015, and even through to the start of 2016, that really stand out to me.
Unfortunately they don’t stand out because they were particularly witty or funny, but because I just can’t believe how much I was letting a boy manipulate me and even worse, that it happened just over a year ago.
You know when you’re having a great time with someone, but you can’t shake the feeling you’re actually boring the shit out of them? What is that?
My state of mind was up and down. I was crazy happy when I was talking to him, with him, touching him and then at a dark level of depression when he stopped replying, when he refused to see me, when he pulled away. Did I latch onto him abnormally hard because it was the first connection I’d made after ending my relationship? Probably. Did I let him walk all over me because I was desperate to be wanted again? Almost certainly.
Sometimes I’m amazed at how quickly I go to a crazy place
Did I trust my Crazy Place and what it was trying to tell me? No I didn’t.
It was trying to tell me that he couldn’t be trusted, not really, not on a deep level. I never truly believed a word he said whenever he gave me an excuse not to see me, or told me that I was the only one. But, I told myself I was being crazy. I told myself he’d never given me a reason not to trust him (he had given me many). I told myself I was too smart to be taken in and deceived by someone (I wasn’t). I told myself that he was my friend (if not my boyfriend) and so he wouldn’t do anything to hurt me (he did).
Anyone who knows me, knows that allowing a boy to make me question everything I thought I knew about myself is extremely out of character for me. I was vulnerable and I allowed myself to be had.
My self esteem is low right now and I need to get drunk ASAP
However, despite how dramatically I was hurt by the ending of that relationship, or whatever it was, I bounced back surprisingly fast. I chose to use it as a learning experience instead of a hurting experience, and I applied it very quickly to the next boy I became involved with who I had very quickly started to repeat the same mistakes with. I trusted my crazy place and I ended it before it went too far, saving myself more hurt and ensuring I still have an amicable relationship with said boy to this day. This is important to me, because hating someone is honestly exhausting, especially when it could have been avoided.
So today’s lesson is a simple one. Trust your Crazy Place. It’s your subconscious giving you deep therapeutic epiphany dreams. It’s the finger down your spine telling you to walk a little faster down the street. It’s the fight or flight instinct telling you to stand up for your damn self or run away; either one, either way just do something to save yourself.
Trust your Crazy Place.
Sometimes when I’m alone I just jiggle my boobs for fun.
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And I’ve never considered myself a lady…
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